Sorrow


So after my class today with the teacher who basically hates me, I went into town with Per and Suyin.  Which was good, because for the past week I’ve been getting more and more depressed.  I think the darkness dealio is starting to sink in and it really makes for some depressing days.  In the winter back home, I may occasionaly get depressed at night, but here it’s like I start the day off being sad.  And then the sun starts setting around 2-something, and well…it’s just sad!

But, yes.  So, I asked Per and Suyin to hang out with meee for a bit because of that and because I miiiss them. Haha~  So yes, we went into town and they finally have all the Christmas lights above the streets up, so everything looks really pretty and festive.  In Stora Torget they have these giant Christmas packages with holes in them and when you look inside there’s some…scene going on.  Like one had a table with a rocking chair and a Christmas tree…it was kind of random, but whatever. Better than nothing!

We went to Class Ohlsson, since Suyin insisted, and I bought a little Christmas treeee and some wintery things for my window.  This means I can take down my halloween decorations from my window, but they’re staying up on my walls in the room, because without them it would be bare and that is DEPRESSING.

Aaand yes. So then we went to MAX, which is this Swedish fastfood dealio (I think it’s Swedish?) and got foood cause Per and I were pretty hungry.  But while we were sitting there, these little punkass kids came and were being OBNOXIOUSLY loud.  They were foreigners too I might add.  So, this swedish girl told them to shut up because they were being ridiculous and the boy (who was probably like 12) called her a racist.  Here I was thinking crap like that only happened in the states!  So, later she asked them to be quiet again and the boy called her a skank/slut/etc…the PC term is probably prostitute, but whatever.  If I were able to speak Swedish I would’ve said something and if I were in America, I would’ve said something.  Freaking brats.  So, as they’re leaving/getting told to go, this boy like kicks the chair at the girl. I’m like, “SERIOUSLY?” and then this little brat girl comes a long and kicks her chair as well.  The Swedish girls’ group was just rolling their eyes at them, and told them to shut up because she was on the phone.  It’s funny seeing 11 year olds try to be badass.  It fails.  But, I’m honestly surprised the Swedish girl didn’t turn around and backhand those kids.  I would have or I would have at least stood up and caused an even bigger scene.  But, I guess you’re not allowed to hit people and stuff here like that…according to Per.  They kept leaving the building and coming back, so one of the girls’ friends (who is an employee) came and locked the door so they couldn’t get back in through that enterance, haha.

So after some more drama they eventually leeeft and we were able to eat in peace…and stuff.  Per was just kinda sitting there so I reached over and pressed on his stomach with my arm, it wasn’t even like a full on hit…but I guess I knocked the wind out of him aaand I felt so bad!!!  But his face looked really funny according to Suyin.  Aweh, I really felt bad though, buuut he doesn’t hate me so that’s good rofl~

Oh! Aaand I think I’m going to Gävle to see giant goat time on Saturday with Ingrid and co. 😀

How’s that for random trains of thought? 😀

I don’t know if I’m still in shock or not, because I was sobbing more last time than this time.  But, mom called me and then we started skyping, and I just thought Nanny, Uncle Wandle, and Aunt Martha came up to see Pappa.  I should have realized even with the nice voice mom was putting through, that bad news was still going to come.  I held the tears for a good minute or so, but then it’s like they just came out in bursts.  I feel like I need to talk to someone, but I don’t want to.  She says Pappa wanted me to stay here…so I will.  Maybe it will make things easier.  I really thought maybe I could talk to him before he passed away.  It was quick and painless I guess.  It’s just so strange, he’s up and joking, and then just gone?  Mom says she thinks maybe his lungs filled with fluid or something, since that one collapsed.  I don’t really know what to say or do.  I mean, really, I guess there isn’t anything I can say or do.

I mean, I don’t know what everyone at home is doing…but in the end maybe it’s better this way.  I think he’ll be much happier being with grandma now, right?

My new bank card came today. 🙂

Today was another failed attempt at Waffle Wednesday.  We (Miriam, Su Yeong, Wiebke, & Lisa) met at OG again, and they were “out” again.  I think it’s a filthy lie.  We’re always there at 2, when the place opens, and they’re already “out”? I think not!  So this time we didn’t go to Norrlands, but we went to Cafe Linne and got food and took it to the dock since it was so nice outside.  Not to mention it was warm! Though, 60 degrees is hardly warm, but it feels like 70 almost because I had to take off my pink jacket-thing and everything!  My chocolate muffin was even trying to melt!

I also feel that Japan is following me even here.  Though, more like otaku-ness. Which is sad, because I don’t like that.  Someone had written “Dir en Grey” and “Hentai” on the dock.  So, naturally I think “jrock otaku lulz”.

After fika, I went to a 2nd hand store with Su Yeong and Lisa for a little bit, but it seems they’re more expensive there than in a real shop — so yeah, no thanks! I didn’t like anything there anyway…kind of like how I get creepy feelings in stores like that.  Germophobe.  I realize they SHOULD wash the clothes, but I didn’t SEE them do it, so how do I know they did?

Anyway, after that I went back to Flogsta and ran into Jesper and Aleksandra in the kitchen.  Aleksandra asked, “So, any news on how Matthias is doing?” to Jesper.  And Jesper said he’s stable but would still be in the hospital for awhile.  What.  So, I was completely taken back, because I had no idea Matthias was even IN the hospital.  Texas told me later that when they saw me sobbing in the hallway and Aleksandra comforting me last night, that they felt it probably not a good time to tell me (and I suppose they’re right!) but yeah.  I guess Matthias had an accident around 4 yesterday.  He and Jesper were going somewhere and Matthias was doing something on a skateboard, fell, and well…head injury.  And I guess it was pretty bad and such.  Jesper said the doctor’s said he fractured some part of his skull.  And, tonight Jesper told us that they were going to operate because blood in his head was swelling so they have to drill a hole to release the pressure.  I guess he’s embarassed because he wasn’t wearing a helmet, but you know…accidents happen.  And I just hope he gets better soon.

He’s such a funny guy and I really like bugging him, he even said I had an “angelic smile” two days ago because he stared at me grinning so I then smiled back and was like “HI!” haha.  It was funny, to me…if you were there.  But yeah.  He’s just such a nice guy, at least we have the comfort of knowing he’s in ‘stable’ condition and not serious or critical condition.  When he gets a little more off the drugs I’ll probably try and visit him at the hospital…if I can find it.

Am I such bad luck?

So, I think I have to make my first adult decision that I haven’t really done before, or well, not this big anyway.  My grandpa was sent to the hospital about 2 weeks or so ago, having difficulty breathing.  Well, now it’s escalated to the doctors finding cancer in his chest.  Cancer that isn’t treatable via chemo.  So, yes mom said he may not make it by the time I get back.  She said my great grandpa had a similar cancer and that he was diagnosed in April and passed away in June.  To be honest, I think my grandpa would be happier.  His health has been crap since 1999 and there’s so much drama going on, I can see why he would want to quit.  But the selfish part of me just wants him to at least stay until June so I can see him.

So, I need to make the decision on whether or not to go home.  I know he would want me to stay and I know others think it’s better if I stay here.  But, I really don’t know what to do.  I don’t think I have the money and I don’t know what to do after the fact even if I do go.  Do I come back? Do I stay home?  If I go home and stay it would be more complicated on so many levels.  But, to be a dutiful grand-daughter I almost expect myself to go.

I think what I feel the worst about is how I acted right before I left.  Even though I had a feeling in my gut that I would be missing something once I return home.  Something told me inside that there was a high possibility that someone/thing would die.  I was thinking my dogs or Nanny, and Pappa came across my mind, but he was in fine health when I left.

He wanted to see me before I left and he told me to give him a call ahead of time so he could get ready and come whenever I decided to have my party.  Well the night before my party, I decided I was going to have it.  And I called him three times and he didn’t answer his phone, so I figured I’d call him the next day.  Well, on the day of my party he didn’t come because he hadn’t “gotten ready” and I was so upset because he said he’d be there before I left.  Well, the day or so before I was leaving, the day I was freaking out and packing; he called mom and made a comment like, “I guess I won’t see her before she goes.” and mom said we could stop over there.  And I said no, because he didn’t come to my party so he lost his chance.

And now I feel like the worst person ever.  That night have been the last time have the chance to see him.  I’ve talked to him since I’ve been here, but it’s just not the same…