I don’t know if I’m still in shock or not, because I was sobbing more last time than this time.  But, mom called me and then we started skyping, and I just thought Nanny, Uncle Wandle, and Aunt Martha came up to see Pappa.  I should have realized even with the nice voice mom was putting through, that bad news was still going to come.  I held the tears for a good minute or so, but then it’s like they just came out in bursts.  I feel like I need to talk to someone, but I don’t want to.  She says Pappa wanted me to stay here…so I will.  Maybe it will make things easier.  I really thought maybe I could talk to him before he passed away.  It was quick and painless I guess.  It’s just so strange, he’s up and joking, and then just gone?  Mom says she thinks maybe his lungs filled with fluid or something, since that one collapsed.  I don’t really know what to say or do.  I mean, really, I guess there isn’t anything I can say or do.

I mean, I don’t know what everyone at home is doing…but in the end maybe it’s better this way.  I think he’ll be much happier being with grandma now, right?

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So, I think I have to make my first adult decision that I haven’t really done before, or well, not this big anyway.  My grandpa was sent to the hospital about 2 weeks or so ago, having difficulty breathing.  Well, now it’s escalated to the doctors finding cancer in his chest.  Cancer that isn’t treatable via chemo.  So, yes mom said he may not make it by the time I get back.  She said my great grandpa had a similar cancer and that he was diagnosed in April and passed away in June.  To be honest, I think my grandpa would be happier.  His health has been crap since 1999 and there’s so much drama going on, I can see why he would want to quit.  But the selfish part of me just wants him to at least stay until June so I can see him.

So, I need to make the decision on whether or not to go home.  I know he would want me to stay and I know others think it’s better if I stay here.  But, I really don’t know what to do.  I don’t think I have the money and I don’t know what to do after the fact even if I do go.  Do I come back? Do I stay home?  If I go home and stay it would be more complicated on so many levels.  But, to be a dutiful grand-daughter I almost expect myself to go.

I think what I feel the worst about is how I acted right before I left.  Even though I had a feeling in my gut that I would be missing something once I return home.  Something told me inside that there was a high possibility that someone/thing would die.  I was thinking my dogs or Nanny, and Pappa came across my mind, but he was in fine health when I left.

He wanted to see me before I left and he told me to give him a call ahead of time so he could get ready and come whenever I decided to have my party.  Well the night before my party, I decided I was going to have it.  And I called him three times and he didn’t answer his phone, so I figured I’d call him the next day.  Well, on the day of my party he didn’t come because he hadn’t “gotten ready” and I was so upset because he said he’d be there before I left.  Well, the day or so before I was leaving, the day I was freaking out and packing; he called mom and made a comment like, “I guess I won’t see her before she goes.” and mom said we could stop over there.  And I said no, because he didn’t come to my party so he lost his chance.

And now I feel like the worst person ever.  That night have been the last time have the chance to see him.  I’ve talked to him since I’ve been here, but it’s just not the same…